Onions For Vogue !

Charlatans Of Gandhi Maidan

By Manuwant Choudhary

A walk on Gandhi Maidan is not as great as London’s Hyde Park but in a place like Patna for many it’s the only place for recreation.

Besides, its historic..from Mahatma Gandhi to Jaiprakash Narayan to the great stalwarts in the freedom struggle have spoken to India from this very place.

For our post-independent politicians holding a rally here is a high point in their careers !

And some who did so are in prison now !

From the gareeb (Poor)  rally, to the lathi (Stick)  rally..to Vikas (Development) to Parivartan…its all in a name.

Like this time the BJPs PM candidate Narendra Modi is to hold a rally here…its called Hunkar…which basically is a sanskritised word for a `war cry’.

So I took a walk around Gandhi Maidan to reflect on the two Gujaratis.

I wondered what Mahatma Gandhi would have thought of Narendra Modi?

A man under whose rule thousands were killed in Gujarat and who sees winning elections as confirmation of his innocence or people’s forgiveness or even affirmation of his `Iron’ rule.

Or that people don’t mind being killed as long as there is high growth!

In fact Narendra Modi proudly claims to belong to the RSS, the RSS openly supports this man and it is an RSS man Nathuram Godse who killed Gandhi.

Of course, Narendrabhai will come here and talk about Gandhiji and the links Bihar has had with Gujarat.

And he will promise the moon.

Modi the Supermodi!

But Gandhi Maidan even on an ordinary day is full of charlatans.

Like I saw this man holding mushrooms and claiming to cure all the worlds diseases from cancer to you name it.

He knows the names of all the top doctors and narrates how they all failed and told him to go to Bombay.

But can a poor man afford a ticket to Bombay?

So he found a way to cure himself.

His captive audience were two persons who listened to him in rapt attention.

So far the only thing Narendra Modi has said is “Pehle Shauchalaya, Phir Devalaya.” (First Toilets, Then Temples.)

And at Gandhi maidan he has kept this promise at least 250 toilets being constructed for 5 lakh people !

But I write this not just because Narendra Modi is shit.

I don’t like the way India is being ruled since independence.

Democracy itself is losing its meaning.

There is far too much symbolism and the slogans just jam the airwaves.

Modi does not talk about Liberty or Property or about None Of The Above (NOTA), Modi is also not just about toilets, he is about the temple, he is about making voting mandatory, he wants criminals to be allowed to contest elections (on the criminal ordinance he was on the side of the Prime Minister), he is for compulsory singing of the national anthem at cinema houses….he wears patriotism on his half-sleeve.

A majoritarian democracy is no democracy.

A Hindu India is no different from a Muslim Pakistan.

India should just be India..where the minorities and majorities live together in peace.

But I guess every politician has their own idea of India and Gandhi.

Like even the Gandhi statues here tell a story…the one by Laloo is bare-bodied with ribs showing, a Gandhi stooping with a stick….in  a loin cloth.

The Gandhi statue built under Nitish Kumar’s `Sushashan’ (Good governance) is a `prosperous’ Gandhi…a richer Gandhi…covered in a  fine shawl, looking healthy and with two smiling girls holding books on either side!

                                                                           Photos: Manuwant Choudhary

Just then I see this girl sitting at the bottom…she did not look like the girls in the Gandhi statue…or the girls who get their MID day meals at school..,or the girls who could even get Nitish Kumar’s bicycle.

She just had this look on her face as if she doesn’t think about her future because she is just too scared of the present.

And she definitely won’t be on the giant LEDs at Hunkar Rally….

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GOLD DIGGERS ON A SUNDAY

By Manuwant Choudhary

A seer Shobhan Sarkar dreams of buried treasure and Bharat Sarkar goes digging at Duandia Kheda village in Unnao district UP, digging even on a Sunday!

I dedicate this piece to all of India’s Gold Diggers !

It is the Indian womans love for the yellow metal that takes away a substantial portion of our exchange reserves.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram’s appeal to the Indian women not to buy gold is like asking cyclone Phailin to return to Thailand !

So this seer promises that if a thousand tonnes of gold is found then India will not have to import gold for a year !

And India will  become rich. QED. (Quite Easily Done)

But the Wikipedia has another version of a Gold Digger..its says a Gold digger is slang for a greedy person (stereotypically a woman) who only dates (and subsequently marries) wealthy partners with the (typically) sole intention of exploiting said wealth. The term is usually pejorative.

But this is so limited….anyone actually can be  a gold digger.

Then there is something grosser than the above wikipedia description…the internet is full of them….which is to pick one’s nose…yes even celebrities are caught on camera..even the Queen !

But still that’s human.

It was quite hilarious when Nerendra Modi the BJP PM aspirant made his debut speech in Kanpur..one Samajwadi Party politician said that Modi is such an irritant, nobody is even watching him, everyone is interested in the treasure hunt in UP…

But Modi looked so sweatily happy in the humid afternoon in Kanpur….”Jahan tak main dekh sakta hoon wahan tak mund hee mund hain…” (As far as I can see there are only skulls).

Of course, Modi does not like skull caps.

But why just the ASI, even Modi was in UP as a Gold Digger….

He wants to exploit the sentiments in a way voters would vote for him.

So he talks like Laloo Yadav.

For a politician in India to be a poor man’s son is like striking gold.

Laloo ruled on that sentiment long enough and now Modi attempts the same….

Thankfully, some of our gold diggers are in prison.

And Rahuls attempts at phot-ops in dalit homes is just the same.

Have you noticed both the PM aspirants speak with their arms.

What India needs is someone who speaks their mind.

Returning to the wikipedia, I think now even men can be Gold Diggers.

Wait, actually I don’t mind being one.

If only I can date and marry Sonam Kapoor. (She plans to buy an apartment in Bombay but wants to continue living with her parents)

Does anyone know Sonam Kapoor?

And finally, this famous song from film Upkar ...Mere desh kee Dhartee...Sona Ugle..ugle heera moti...

Coalgate Joke

By Manuwant Choudhary

Things are finally hotting up in the Coalgate Scam after the CBI file FIRs against the Coal Secretary and India's top industrialist KM Birla, but opposition leaders are gunning for the Prime Minister after the CBI files a case against `Competent Authority'.

Opposition leader: Now the CBI should question the PM after all he has been named in the FIR.

Congress leader: Named ? Where??

Opposition leader: Surely, you don't read newspapers...the CBI has filed cases against `Competent Authority'...

Congress leader: The PM signs thousands of files he does not even know what he is signing on...

Opposition leader: But surely only the PM is the `Competent Authority'....

Congress leader: No, how can you say that?

Opposition leader: Well, because only the Prime Minister is the `Competent Authority'.

Congress leader: Only two days ago you were calling him `Incompetent'..

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