Onions For Vogue !

Charlatans Of Gandhi Maidan

By Manuwant Choudhary

A walk on Gandhi Maidan is not as great as London’s Hyde Park but in a place like Patna for many it’s the only place for recreation.

Besides, its historic..from Mahatma Gandhi to Jaiprakash Narayan to the great stalwarts in the freedom struggle have spoken to India from this very place.

For our post-independent politicians holding a rally here is a high point in their careers !

And some who did so are in prison now !

From the gareeb (Poor)  rally, to the lathi (Stick)  rally..to Vikas (Development) to Parivartan…its all in a name.

Like this time the BJPs PM candidate Narendra Modi is to hold a rally here…its called Hunkar…which basically is a sanskritised word for a `war cry’.

So I took a walk around Gandhi Maidan to reflect on the two Gujaratis.

I wondered what Mahatma Gandhi would have thought of Narendra Modi?

A man under whose rule thousands were killed in Gujarat and who sees winning elections as confirmation of his innocence or people’s forgiveness or even affirmation of his `Iron’ rule.

Or that people don’t mind being killed as long as there is high growth!

In fact Narendra Modi proudly claims to belong to the RSS, the RSS openly supports this man and it is an RSS man Nathuram Godse who killed Gandhi.

Of course, Narendrabhai will come here and talk about Gandhiji and the links Bihar has had with Gujarat.

And he will promise the moon.

Modi the Supermodi!

But Gandhi Maidan even on an ordinary day is full of charlatans.

Like I saw this man holding mushrooms and claiming to cure all the worlds diseases from cancer to you name it.

He knows the names of all the top doctors and narrates how they all failed and told him to go to Bombay.

But can a poor man afford a ticket to Bombay?

So he found a way to cure himself.

His captive audience were two persons who listened to him in rapt attention.

So far the only thing Narendra Modi has said is “Pehle Shauchalaya, Phir Devalaya.” (First Toilets, Then Temples.)

And at Gandhi maidan he has kept this promise at least 250 toilets being constructed for 5 lakh people !

But I write this not just because Narendra Modi is shit.

I don’t like the way India is being ruled since independence.

Democracy itself is losing its meaning.

There is far too much symbolism and the slogans just jam the airwaves.

Modi does not talk about Liberty or Property or about None Of The Above (NOTA), Modi is also not just about toilets, he is about the temple, he is about making voting mandatory, he wants criminals to be allowed to contest elections (on the criminal ordinance he was on the side of the Prime Minister), he is for compulsory singing of the national anthem at cinema houses….he wears patriotism on his half-sleeve.

A majoritarian democracy is no democracy.

A Hindu India is no different from a Muslim Pakistan.

India should just be India..where the minorities and majorities live together in peace.

But I guess every politician has their own idea of India and Gandhi.

Like even the Gandhi statues here tell a story…the one by Laloo is bare-bodied with ribs showing, a Gandhi stooping with a stick….in  a loin cloth.

The Gandhi statue built under Nitish Kumar’s `Sushashan’ (Good governance) is a `prosperous’ Gandhi…a richer Gandhi…covered in a  fine shawl, looking healthy and with two smiling girls holding books on either side!

                                                                           Photos: Manuwant Choudhary

Just then I see this girl sitting at the bottom…she did not look like the girls in the Gandhi statue…or the girls who get their MID day meals at school..,or the girls who could even get Nitish Kumar’s bicycle.

She just had this look on her face as if she doesn’t think about her future because she is just too scared of the present.

And she definitely won’t be on the giant LEDs at Hunkar Rally….

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GOLD DIGGERS ON A SUNDAY

By Manuwant Choudhary

A seer Shobhan Sarkar dreams of buried treasure and Bharat Sarkar goes digging at Duandia Kheda village in Unnao district UP, digging even on a Sunday!

I dedicate this piece to all of India’s Gold Diggers !

It is the Indian womans love for the yellow metal that takes away a substantial portion of our exchange reserves.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram’s appeal to the Indian women not to buy gold is like asking cyclone Phailin to return to Thailand !

So this seer promises that if a thousand tonnes of gold is found then India will not have to import gold for a year !

And India will  become rich. QED. (Quite Easily Done)

But the Wikipedia has another version of a Gold Digger..its says a Gold digger is slang for a greedy person (stereotypically a woman) who only dates (and subsequently marries) wealthy partners with the (typically) sole intention of exploiting said wealth. The term is usually pejorative.

But this is so limited….anyone actually can be  a gold digger.

Then there is something grosser than the above wikipedia description…the internet is full of them….which is to pick one’s nose…yes even celebrities are caught on camera..even the Queen !

But still that’s human.

It was quite hilarious when Nerendra Modi the BJP PM aspirant made his debut speech in Kanpur..one Samajwadi Party politician said that Modi is such an irritant, nobody is even watching him, everyone is interested in the treasure hunt in UP…

But Modi looked so sweatily happy in the humid afternoon in Kanpur….”Jahan tak main dekh sakta hoon wahan tak mund hee mund hain…” (As far as I can see there are only skulls).

Of course, Modi does not like skull caps.

But why just the ASI, even Modi was in UP as a Gold Digger….

He wants to exploit the sentiments in a way voters would vote for him.

So he talks like Laloo Yadav.

For a politician in India to be a poor man’s son is like striking gold.

Laloo ruled on that sentiment long enough and now Modi attempts the same….

Thankfully, some of our gold diggers are in prison.

And Rahuls attempts at phot-ops in dalit homes is just the same.

Have you noticed both the PM aspirants speak with their arms.

What India needs is someone who speaks their mind.

Returning to the wikipedia, I think now even men can be Gold Diggers.

Wait, actually I don’t mind being one.

If only I can date and marry Sonam Kapoor. (She plans to buy an apartment in Bombay but wants to continue living with her parents)

Does anyone know Sonam Kapoor?

And finally, this famous song from film Upkar ...Mere desh kee Dhartee...Sona Ugle..ugle heera moti...

Coalgate Joke

By Manuwant Choudhary

Things are finally hotting up in the Coalgate Scam after the CBI file FIRs against the Coal Secretary and India's top industrialist KM Birla, but opposition leaders are gunning for the Prime Minister after the CBI files a case against `Competent Authority'.

Opposition leader: Now the CBI should question the PM after all he has been named in the FIR.

Congress leader: Named ? Where??

Opposition leader: Surely, you don't read newspapers...the CBI has filed cases against `Competent Authority'...

Congress leader: The PM signs thousands of files he does not even know what he is signing on...

Opposition leader: But surely only the PM is the `Competent Authority'....

Congress leader: No, how can you say that?

Opposition leader: Well, because only the Prime Minister is the `Competent Authority'.

Congress leader: Only two days ago you were calling him `Incompetent'..

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Goats & Gandhi

By Manuwant Choudhary

India's father of the nation Mahatma Gandhi loved his goat so much so he would leave even important meetings to tend to his goat !

He drank only goats milk.

On Bakrid as I read todays newspapers, goats are selling for Rs.10,000 to  Rs.100,000/- in Patna, in the metros this could be higher.

And their names are after famous Bollywood stars like Salman and Shahrukh and Katrina!

But its such a shame that a goat is today worth more than human life in India.

When someone gets killed in a road accident governments through the District Magistrate still give only Rs.10,000/- by way of compensation !

And the kin are so happy with that....

There is something so terribly wrong with the way India is being run and managed.

Our highways are not fenced...and accidents routine.

In Bihar I met this woman who had five children and I asked her why she had so many babies and she replied, "Three are taken away by the Gods (through diseases), one is for the road (accident) and ultimately only 1 will survive to look after me in my old age!"

Of course I don't blame the Mahatma for post-independent India but its just that when we celebrate him we often forget everything he really stood for.

The Mid Day carried an interesting report of a restaurant in South London called Ganapati where they serve a pure vegetarian `Gandhi Thaali' and guests eat sitting on the floor.

And the thali includes a glass of Goat milk !

Next visit to London I have to visit Ganapati restaurant...

I am still trying to find out the name of Gandhi's goat? (The goat even attended the Round Table Conference and met celebrities like Charlie Chaplin)

DEMOCRACY IS COMING BY LEONARD COHEN

Narendra Modi's Shauchalaya Rally!

By Manuwant Choudhary

Such is the stench in Patna these days that India’s President has already cancelled his Patna visit.

And L.K. Advani is staying away.

The reason being Narendra Modi is coming here to address a Hunkar rally at Patna’s Gandhi maidan to enthuse his supporters with his new slogan “Pehle Shauchalaya, Phir Devalaya !” (First Toilets, Then Temples)

Already sanitaryware shops at Exhibition road have seen an increase in their sales.

BJP workers have been shopping for commodes in their thousands….

Most have been looking for saffron coloured commodes informs one shopkeeper, but we have mostly white.

One wanted a commode with Narendra Modi’s face on it but we told him those are designer commodes and we have only one piece – a  Robert Mugabe commode.

Some have been looking for Japanese commodes which give out patriotic jingles every time you flush.

One customer has bought a special commode to gift it to Modiji…its called “The Hot Seat’…after all Modiji wants to be India’s Prime Minister…

An inner-circle BJP member wanted a bomb-proof commode with bullet proof glasses around it, afterall Modiji is on a hit list….

But sanitary shops are aware that for BJP members from rural Bihar they would need toilets just as it is at home…so they have like one designed like a railway track fitted with nat sound and vibrations of an approaching Rajdhani train !

Another shop has one called “The Maidan’…just wheat crops !

 With computers so popular i-pots are also in demand.

I asked a BJP worker about Modi’s toilet interest and he informed, “Modiji was the sevak responsible for digging up Bombay’s Mahalaxmi Racecourse for the Maharally by building the thousand of holed toilets.!”

OBITUARY - SITA SHARAN JHA - HONESTY AMIDST CORRUPTION

By Manuwant Choudhary

Many people would drop in at the NDTV Patna office while I worked there…from chief ministers to former chief ministers, from turncoat politicians to would be party spokespersons, from activists to Maoists…but one evening an elderly gentleman came into our office to see me.

My colleague Manish Kumar introduced him to me as Sita Sharan Jha, the father-in-law of his elder brother Sanjay Jha.

Sanjay Jha worked with India Today then and for us television journalists who worked at a breathless speed doing Lives round the clock it really helped to crosscheck our facts with Sanjayji before going On AIR.

I was called the `Angrezi’ (English Journalist)  waale patrakaar but we often did Lives in Hindi too so Sanjayji was always helpful when I wanted to get the right word to bash the Bihar politicians and criminals.

So recently when Sanjayji called me and informed me that his father-in-law has passed away it brought back memories.

In fact, Sita Sharan Jha dropped by at the NDTV office to see me on several occasions.

I did not know much about him but there was so much warmth when he talked to me and  a sense of genuine happiness.

He knew my family well and told me how the Bihar Income Tax Commssioner called him once since my grandfather Shri Ramashray Prasad Choudhary refused to pay Income Tax to the Government of India in principle.

He wasn’t a tax evader but felt the Government of India was corrupt and so did not deserve to be paid a paisa from his hard-earned honest rupee.

So Sita Sharan Jha accompanied the Income Tax Commissioner to my hometown to see my grandfather.

He said, “I told Babusaheb that if he does not pay taxes then how can they run the Government?”

My grandfather asked the Income Tax Commissioner, “I will pay taxes if you tell me one thing the government of India has done for my town.”

The Income Tax Commissioner was at a loss for words because he was speaking to a man who built a co-educational High School in 1928, a co-ed degree college in 1963, a cinema house in 1947 (12 years before the town received any electricity), besides he built literally half the town.

All that governments did since independence was to nationalize the school and the college.

So my grandfather told Sita Sharan Jha, “I will pay the Income Tax because you are saying so but not because the Government of India wants me to.”

Sita Sharan Jha was born in Sitamarhi in 1936 and he was 78 when he passed away recently at Ranchi..he was suffering from throat cancer for a few months and he had told his near ones that he would not live long.

He had visited the four dhams Gangotri, Yamnotri , kedarnath and Badrinath recently.

He is survived by three sons and three daughters.

His eldest son Sushil Kumar Jha is an employee at the Bihar Legislative Council, while Aashish is the Chief Reporter at Dainik Jagran (Ranchi) and his youngest Basant Kumar Jha is Resident Editor of Dainik Bhaskar (Ranchi).

Basant Kumar Jha told me how his father had initially worked for the Birlas and Tata and in fact quit a Tata job where he was paid Rs.260 per month for a Reporters job at Searchlight where he was paid only Rs.135 a month.

So I asked him what his motivations were to become a journalist and Basant said he was shaken by the Indo-China war and how India was going through a real crisis in the sixties so he felt by being a journalist he could do more for his country.

After a year-and-a-half at Searchlight he joined The Indian Nation (owned by the Maharajah for Darbhanga) and it was a national newspaper coming out from Patna.

Sita Sharan Jha worked at the Indian Nation for 12 years and from Reporter he went on to become assistant editor..and later even associate editor.

When the newspaper closed down he worked hard behind the scenes and the newspaper attempted one last re-launch. But sadly the paper closed down finally.

It had a beautiful palatial building on Frazer Road, now converted into a shabby market.

Few know how closely Sita Sharan Jha worked with top Bihar politicians like Lalit Narayan Mishra and Jagannath Mishra.

Jagannath Mishra was a stringer at the Indian Nation when Sita Sharan Jha was a Reporter but when Dr. Jagannath Mishra became Chief Minister he would often ask Sitaji to write his public speeches.

Sita Sharan Jha would also help IAS officers prepare the State Budget sitting in the Chief Minister’s chamber.

Sanjayji recounted how once L.N. Mishra the then railway minister told railway officials that they must do anything the man siiting on the right side of him tells him to do….and when the meeting began Sita Sharan Jha was given the right seat.

Later L.N. Mishra asked him if he got any work done and Sita Sharan Jha replied how he got one railway engineer posted in some place.

L.N. Mishra (he was considered to be more powerful than Indira Gandhi) would make fun of him that Sita Sharan Jha was so honest that even if we gave him a bag on money he would drop it from his scooter on his way home.

He was so close to power yet so far from its trappings.

He never purchased  any land in Patna in all these years as a journalist.

Even when he was not a Congress member he would sit through a Congress Working Committee meeting and would not be asked to leave but he never did anything wrong for the powers that be…

Not even the letter that Jagannath Mishra wrote to Laloo….(that was written by another Jha politician !)

Its no surprise that while Sita Sharan Jha passed away peacefully in Ranchi, his friend and colleague Bihar’s former chief minister Dr. Jagannath Mishra suffers in prison in Ranchi convicted in the fodder scam.