Exploring The C******* of Mangalayam (Mars) !

By Manuwant Choudhary

Like NDTV's Science Correspondent Pallava Bagla I managed to get exclusive access to ISRO's celebrations as the Mars Orbiter Mission successfully entered the Martian orbit.

I found India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi using this rather large telescope to admire the red planet.

And there were so many smiling scientists....(scientists are usually very serious)...trying to smile more than Modi.

ISRO's explorer tweeted Howdy and NASA's responded by a Namaste...

I spoke to the  scientists on the sidelines why this is such an important mission....

Aryabhatta 1: This was so critical because the US said they cannot grant Mr. Modi a US visa directly but they would do so if he came via Mars !

Me: But Mars..thats very far.....these Americans are so unreasonable....is that the reason Mr. Modi compared the Mangalayan Mission to making a Hollywood film...

Aryabhatta 2: No, no, he meant only in terms of money spent..you see we have spent 450 crores on this mission while the Americans spend more on making just one film...

Me: But surely 450 crores is not a small amount..imagine how many crores of toilets could have been built in India....and women would not have to defecate in the open...

Aryabhatt 3: No, no, Modiji cares about women...so much..that is why this Mission is called MOM !

Me: You mean you have named it after Modiji's MOM or Rahulji's MOM ?

Aryabhatta4 : Basically, all MOMs...

Me: You mean Nawaz Sharief's MOM also...Is this also a Maa-Bete ki Sarkar?

Aryabhatta 5: No, no..all MOMs except Pakistani !

Aryabhatta 6: See we beat them...again....we have joined the elite club while they are busy doing dharnas like Kejriwalji and Long Marches....

Me: But what difference will this really make....

Aryabhatta 7: This will make Modiji more powerful.

Me: But Modiji is already very powerful like Indiraji....see the way he abolished the Planning Commision, the Electoral College and now he is planning to abolish all laws more than 25 years old !

Aryabhatta 8: Actually, we knew Modiji is coming to power so we built this in a record time..see how Modiji will address the UN now..with his head proudly held high...

Me: You mean like Xi-Jingping.....

Aryabhatta 9: More....

Me: But I heard him talking more about Gandhiji and Jharu..he said he plans to clean up India starting October 2. Do our scientists have a satellite to clear garbage...Imagine India's PM will have to sweep the streets...

Aryabhatta 10: We are working on that too....but need a few billion dollars...

Me: Money is not a problem...Can you clean the Ganga too....this Supreme Court is troubling Modiji about Ganga too...

Aryabhatta 11: Yes, yes, we  can do that too....



Me:  I am simply amazed at your powers....but congratulations on this...by the way how is Chandrayan? And what are you really looking for on Mars? Martians??

Aryabhatta 12: No, no,,we are looking and looking....and looking...

Aryabhatta 13: Mars is very beautiful...

Me: Its red...so looks nice from a distance..but surely like the moon it has those dark spots when u look closely...

Aryabhatta 14: No, no,,,we see its beauty...

Me: What beauty?

Aryabhatta 15: Curves...

Me: What are you talking about?

Aryabhatta 16: Don't you read whats trending?

Me: You mean on social media?

Aryabhata 17: Yes, yes, but also you don't even read headlines in newspapers?

Me: What headlines?

Aryabhatta 18: Even CNN and BBC are running stories....

Me: You mean on Mars...

Aryabhatta 19: Naa. naaa...you are too intrusive...let me just look at the photos...

Me: You mean the photos MOM is sending...

Aryabhatta 20: No, no..you don't understand...we are looking at photos in the newspaper...

Me: The creavice on Mars?

Aryabhatta 21: No, just cleavage...but we have to be careful not to put any arrows there..because that would upset Deepika Padukone.....

Me: Ah, that old lady of Boribunder is just so jealous of Deepika....

A Journey Across The Sand Dunes Of Rajasthan 13

By Manuwant Choudhary

They say you should not build castles on shifting sands...as we drove towards the Pakistani border...the metalled roads disappeared....

The landscape more rugged and bare...

The cellphone signals gone....

Just the hum from the car airconditioner...and the silences..disturbed only by the jolts of a rough ride...

You have to be careful not to drive into the sand as we discovered....our Toyota Innova did get stuck in the sands...just like the Pakistani tanks did in 1971 !

When you look out you see isolated hamlets with almost no one in sight...perhaps goats and just a woman.

We are told  the total population in these villages are just 10 or 20 !

It was like leaving everything behind.

The chaos of all that is modern-day India.

The big cities with their zillions of shanties, the millions of autos trying to take off on jammed Indian streets..the loudspeakers....the festivals..the gods and goddesses..the noisy TV debates...the big egos....the corrupt politicians...far from the maddening crowds...

The road is straight, no curves or bends...but you do realise how most people flock towards money and jobs...and live in menial conditions in cities...while large swathes of India remain uninhabitated.

You also think about why at least a few people still choose to live here...their only home.

The hamlets too disappear until we come across this on the desert...just two low huts....I felt like meeting the folks who lived in them...

In these parts...governments and their divisive politics cease to exist...they are on their own..every day a fresh battle to survive against the odds of nature.

At an abandoned health centre..a camel finds some fodder....

Then there is no road.

So we get onto Maruti Gypsies which are four-wheel drive and only their petrol engines take us to areas not on India's tourist map.

These are restricted areas...

But its something money cannot buy.

A 360 degree view of the desert...the Pakistani border just across...

In the silences you can feel the ages....the invaders..the mongols...attacking India...repeatedly....

Time stands still.

Here you would fight even a mighty enemy with everything you've got...your life.

No time for debates and talks..or convincing the other.

Or like what a Sufi saint said..."You can get enlightenment in two ways..one is by seeing the world..the other is by seeing within..."

All is quiet on the western front.

A Journey Across The Sand Dunes of Rajasthan 12

By Manuwant Choudhary

These cows stared back at us as if saying `The Elections Are Over, Now What Do You Want?'

India must be the only country in the world where Cows Vote !

Yes, you heard right....I mean it....like caste..the Cow factor is critical.

Let me explain.

If Cows did not Vote..the Bharatiya Janata Party and formerly Jan Sangh would not have carried out so many political movements to ban cow slaughter.

And even Narendra Modi is today India's Prime Minister because he won in the `Cow Belt'...

His victory has thrown up a debate whether Majoratarian Rule would lead to Authoratarian Rule.....

If only cows could speak, I wonder what they would have asked for?

In Rajasthan we saw ordinary people like all good Hindus feed the cows.

No sign of the government.

Cows like camels just die in the desert heat...for want of water, fodder and medical care.

So cows should be a priority for a Hindu government in Delhi and Jaipur.

Sadly, it is not.

If cows could speak probably they would ask India's Prime Minister to bring back Nandan Nilekani to New Delhi so that he could make UID for all cows.

And maybe..even bank accounts in their individual names...it would be called the `Go Dhan Yojana'...

And they would be happy that the Planning Commission has been abolished..after all for 60 years cows got a raw deal.

Even the Gaushalaas (trusts to keep cows) have lands but they are all captured by the mafia.

And then like camels they too have to walk right across North India...to be smuggled across the border into Bangaldesh.

Cows are definitely not happy with Maneka Gandhi, after all she is only a `Kutte-Billi' politician.

And this time they gave her child welfare.

But Modiji got rid of her child Varun...despite him being from the cow belt....

Holy Cow !

If you are secular you would think about all animals, not just cows...Rajasthan has a rich animal heritage...

The peacock is our national bird...and is beautiful.

Indians are an indisciplined lot...and all Indians should see these disciplined ducks in the army...when soldiers take them home...they stop when the soldier stops and move only when the soldier moves.

Then as we drove across we saw speed limit signboards warning us about Sambars..and we did see several of them.

I always think how Bollywood does not do enough for animals.

Instead they manufacture crass songs like `Aunty Police Bulwa Degi'.

Just then I saw a Black Buck dart across the fields...but I did not shoot it like Salman Khan.

No Kaitrina Kaif to see me in Jodhpur prison.

A Journey Across The Sand Dunes Of Rajasthan 11

By Manuwant Choudhary

I would not like to write about Modi's 100 days or nights but rather about the women of Rajasthan and India.

But first, Rajasthani women.

They are not the `Bold & Beautiful' types but you can say `Brave & Beautiful'....and shy.

30 years ago we stayed with some doctors on a hillside overlooking Ajmer town and the view at night was simply amazing...with the lake shimmer in the moonlit night.

I thought to myself this must be the most amazing place to live in...

But my night was disturbed by some commotion until we realised that it was 3 am and the women of the house had to go downhill and carry dozens of buckets of water for us `guests'.

It was a horrible feeling to see our good hosts work so hard for us... so I will never forget their hospitality.

But not just middle-class families..all women in Rajasthan work...and long before mechanisation and hot-mix plants happened..you could see women build the roads in Rajasthan.

And the roads were like Hema Malini's cheek.

I wondered why women in Bihar don't build roads.

But women in Bihar don't even plant paddy !

On this visit to Rajasthan at the Jaisalmer Fort I saw this woman who was involved in some construction work.

She was still young..but rather tall and a strong built...partly from the hard work...but suddenly I see her face...and she was pretty...like from another age...her skin colour....golden....no amount of gold facials could get you that tone.

She was very shy because in just a second she moved away..like a darting deer...

But women in rural Maharastra planting paddy in ankle deep slush amidst lush greenery is also a sight.

But if you want to find a beautiful bride..the district which even promotes the idea is... Kangra... in Himachal Pradesh.

On one of my visits to Dharamsala...on a winter day...I got a complete Presidential suite for Rs.300 only...and on the walls of the bedroom were these large portraits of Kangra women.

I thought it was just an artists imagination.

But I awoke the next morning with sunshine flooding my room as I had left the curtains open... the air was crisp....as I looked out...I could see the snow-clad hills around amidst the pines.

After breakfast as I walked to town..I see a dozen pretty Kangra girls walking up..holding hands....and they just kept looking at me...somewhat hypnotised....until I realised if I was not careful..they would push me into the khudside!

Kangra women can be dangerous....

And I see this really old woman carry wood briskly up a hill singing `Sheila Ki Jawani'...such sights are even better than watching Isabelle lilt to a `Dal-Makhani' item number.

But yes I did see one pretty Kangra girl...in blue jeans and red top....a college student...someone who could work her way to the glass corner office in Gurgaon or London or even New York.

Driving through Rajasthan we did see a large group of men in their turbans and I asked aloud if the men here had finally started working and our driver replied promptly, "No, sir. Opium is being distributed !"