Bihar Prohibition 3 - Thou Shall Eat Bhindi Pakora !

By Manuwant Choudhary

The other day I went to Patna's Bankipore Club and guess what even the pavement dwellers outside, whom the Bihar government have not been able to evict in 60 years, have left.

A few still remain on the pavement and I saw policemen in their khakhis poking them with their dandas...hoping to find some booze hidden under the plastic sheets.

Inside the club, it was completely deserted.

The Bankipore Club built by the British is located bang on the Ganga and is one of the few places in Bihar which had a semblance of life.

Nitish Kumar has killed all social life in Bihar.

Earlier if you called for a waiter you would have to wait for a while as they were so busy taking orders.

Now there are more waiters than guests.

You call one and  dozens will come to you.

But with no drinks now, all you can order is some Bhindi pakora.

On its giant open cinema they were showing some black & white film...but even that was hard to watch as the District Magistrate placed glaring vapour lights towards the Club lawns to catch drinkers.

The alcohol adverts have been barbarically removed, some still in tatters !

Nitish is building a Ganga drive right in front..so the Club has lost its USP.

And now no drinks !

Why would anyone want to be a member here?

The Bars are empty, the food stalls are also losing business....and there is a stench coming from the Ganga...(no Ganga tax yet)

Patna is hardly a city, not even a decent town.

Once we heard they've opened a disco so we sent our camera team only to find out the disco operates only during morning hours like from 10 am to 12 noon !

Patna's only disco  shut down in 15 days !

And there is no place for the young to hang out.

Couples for some solace travel to Kumhrar, the ancient site of Patliputra, which now has just a few remnants and a garden.

It used to have the site where 80 pillars from the court of Chandragupta Maurya could be seen.

I took some guests there to show them this and when I got there they had covered it all up with mud.

At Kumhrar they keep breaking down new boundary walls to build newer walls - corruption.

As we left the Club it felt like someone had died.

The next film to be shown there - Saala Khadoos !

Bihar Prohibition (2) - Thou Shall Test Soap !

By Manuwant Choudhary

Nitish Kumar is so troubled..every time he goes to the bathroom he finds his soap missing. So he calls his chief secretary..(CS)

CM: yeh mera sabun gayab kyon ho jaaata hai...(why does my soap go missing everyday from the bathroom)

CS: Sir, its a problem everywhere sir.

CM: What do you mean?

CS: Everyone is eating soap these days.

CM: You mean to say I am also eating soap?

CS: No sir, how can I accuse you of such an illegal act..only people of Bihar commit illegal acts.

CM: Enough. I want a high level inquiry into the missing soap.

CS: Sir, a low-level inquiry is enough...rats have been eating your soap.

CM: Rats ! But there were no rats in the CM house when I returned as chief minister.

CS: Sir, that was because Jitan Ram Manjhi was chief minister before you.

CM: You mean Jitan Ram Manjhi ate up all the rats....

CS: Sir, I am such a junior officer to talk about food habits of chief ministers...but if you want to get rid of the rats again..you can try making Jitan Ram chief minister again...

CM: NEVER.

CS: Sir, but he is Mahadalit.

CM: Never. Don't mention his name again...besides I was asking you about soap not Manjhi...Now I prefer rats to Manjhi...

CS: yes sir rats are just like us... we are getting news that even people across Bihar are eating soap.

CM: But why?

CS: They get some kick.

CM: Is soap alcoholic?

CS: We don't know but they are made of chemicals surely.

CM: Call all of Bihar's scientists and I want all soap brands tested in our laboratory.

CS: Sir, Bihar does not have scientists...just castes !

CM: So get me the scientist caste?

CS: There are none...we are trying to figure out which caste Aryabhatta was?

CM: Do not waste my time...my senior officers are my scientists..they do everything I tell them to do...they drink when I tell them and stop drinking when I order so...so disciplined...my cops...

CS: But our labs are not equipped to test soaps.

CM: I am going to have them tested in my presence.

CS: But how?

CM: Surely, by eating it...

CS: My officers have been testing all day...Godrej, Pears..even MNC soap P & G....ahh camay tastes so good they say....and liril....the lemon flavour.....they say is beautiful like the girl who campaigns for it...

CM: Ban all MNC soap.

CS: Sir, we tested Baba Ramdev soap too...and our officers were so ecstatic..it has some Himalayan churn (herb) in it..now all our officers are saying Bharat Mata Ki Jai !

Bihar Prohibition 1 - `Thou Shall Eat Soap' !

By Manuwant Choudhary

I was at the Patna Super Market when I saw everyone just buying soaps.

Soaps were flying off the shelves faster than shooting stars.

Only one customer (on condition of anonymity) agreed to speak to me, he said he does not want to be hanged)

Me: So tell me why everyone is buying soap..is it do with some festival like Chhath where everyone has to be clean?

Customer: Shhh..shhhh....those men standing in safari suits are Nitish Kumar's men from the Excise department.

Me: But what has Excise department got to do with soap?

Customer: In a days time you will not find a single soap in Bihar?

Me: But why?

Customer: I am telling you I don't want to go to the gallows...ahh life is so beautiful.

Me: I am just asking you why you are buying soap and you are talking about death? Are you commiting suicide?

Customer: Never, never. I will never commit suicide. But I do support Rakhi Sawant when she says ban all ceiling fans.

Me: But I am not asking you about ceiling fans, I am asking you about soap.

Customer: Soap is an essential item.

Me: I agree..but why suddenly everyone is buying soap..earlier these Super Markets did not know how to sell their soap and now this windfall? Is it some advert you have watched?

Customer: No, no...we don't watch television or hear the radio...such absurd government ads are there about my son becoming a jharoo-walla.

Me: You mean like Kejriwal.

Customer: No, no, jharuwalla like who come to clean your home.

Me: You are changing the topic. I just want to know about soap.

Customer: Ahh soap is the best invention of man.

Me: Not really, man has invented so many wonderful things.

Customer: Nothing like soap....

Me: I am getting tired of your replies...now just tell me what this is all about.

Customer (In whispers): Since Nitish Kumar has banned the Booze Bars..we have moved to Bars of Soap !

(To be continued)

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