Udta Bihar - The Film That Was Never Made

By Manuwant Choudhary

Udta Bihar is a film that was never made...about migrant Bihari labourers to the Punjab...who were paid well but given tea laced with afeem so as to make them work harder and longer.

When they returned home to Bihar..they looked prosperous even when there were no cellphones they returned with prized possessions of a wrist watch, a bicycle and a two-in-one tape recorder.

But there was a downside when they left Bihar they would be strong and good workers, when they returned they were weak and sickly, some died within a few years.

I haven't seen Udta Punjab yet with or without the cuts so cannot really talk about that film.

Alia Bhatt is playing the role of a migrant Bihari and already another Bihari actress Neetu Chandra has shot off an open letter to Alia against her role as it typecast the Bihari !

I think Prakash Jha should have made a film `Udta Bihar' much before Udta Punjab.

But our netas (who believe in Prohibition in Bihar) do not have a word to say about the drug problem faced by Biharis in Punjab.

But why target just states..there should be a film called Udta Hindustan.

As a reporter in Bombay I had found some 20 foreigners selling hash right in front of the Bombay High Court.

From my double decker bus I took to work I saw them every morning..tall black africans and some Indians at business.

I wondered why even the judges did not look...is it because justice is blind ?

So I decided to take on this racket.

I  had a column called Nexus in the Afternoon newspaper.

I approached the Azad Maidan police station...and there were three station officers who were not ready to even look at me until I told them I was a reporter.

They then agreed to hear me out only and only if I agreed to file an FIR.

Its only then that a lady police officer took some interest.

She ordered her men to get ready for a raid.

Within seconds her men in khakhis along with me were in a jeep...I was so happy.

But then there was no sign of the jeep driver.

The lady officer nquired and was told that since the police station did not have water the driver had gone off elsewhere.

We got delayed by 25 minutes.

While we waited the lady officer pulled out a newspaper from Gujarat..she showed it me and asked me...showing a photo...."If I arrest the drug peddlars will I also get an award like the news report."

I told her yes she should.

She was so upbeat.

The driver arrived. ...we picked up our photographer Sudharak Olwe from office.

And there we were taking a round of the Oval Maidan (the same place whhere Kate and William played cricket)

The police woman did some strategy.

We got real close...some four policemen got off first but instead of arresting them..one of them used his `danda' to hit an African...

There was a loud thud.

From then on it was all hell broke loose.

The drug pedllars fled in all directions....the over-sized policemen with dandas could barely run.

The lady police woman ran chasing away the drug peddlars...I think thats the photo our photographer Sudahark Olwe captured.

One Indian peddlar was so over-drugged that he could barely walk...I am not even sure if he was a peddlar or an addict.

But the policewoman arested him...and told me that the case has been opened.

She added, "I hope I will get the police medal !"

Bihar Prohibition 4 - No Drinks, Thou Shall Die For Nation

By Manuwant Choudhary

The other day men retired from the Indian army did something they are not trained for - they blocked a main road leading to the Danapur cantonment. Reason: They were protesting against the Bihar prohibition.

Ex-servicemen are entitled to 6 bottles of alcohol per month but in Bihar under the new prohibition laws they cannot take the bottles home.

They will be arrested and locked up with criminals and petty theives in Bihar's overcrowded prisons.

So they decided to protest.

The Patna DM and SP stayed away from the protest site and the inspectors were no match from the angry jawans.

Its only an assurance from the top Brass at Danapur cantonement that they stopped their protests.

An ex armyman is among those who has filed a PIL in the Patna High Court saying the alcohol ban law is  a violation of human rights.

Thousands of Biharis are in prison under the draconian law and three cheers to our ex-jawans who have been brave enough to oppose this law...

They might well prove to be the bottle-openers in Bihar

Bihar Prohibition 3 - Thou Shall Eat Bhindi Pakora !

By Manuwant Choudhary

The other day I went to Patna's Bankipore Club and guess what even the pavement dwellers outside, whom the Bihar government have not been able to evict in 60 years, have left.

A few still remain on the pavement and I saw policemen in their khakhis poking them with their dandas...hoping to find some booze hidden under the plastic sheets.

Inside the club, it was completely deserted.

The Bankipore Club built by the British is located bang on the Ganga and is one of the few places in Bihar which had a semblance of life.

Nitish Kumar has killed all social life in Bihar.

Earlier if you called for a waiter you would have to wait for a while as they were so busy taking orders.

Now there are more waiters than guests.

You call one and  dozens will come to you.

But with no drinks now, all you can order is some Bhindi pakora.

On its giant open cinema they were showing some black & white film...but even that was hard to watch as the District Magistrate placed glaring vapour lights towards the Club lawns to catch drinkers.

The alcohol adverts have been barbarically removed, some still in tatters !

Nitish is building a Ganga drive right in front..so the Club has lost its USP.

And now no drinks !

Why would anyone want to be a member here?

The Bars are empty, the food stalls are also losing business....and there is a stench coming from the Ganga...(no Ganga tax yet)

Patna is hardly a city, not even a decent town.

Once we heard they've opened a disco so we sent our camera team only to find out the disco operates only during morning hours like from 10 am to 12 noon !

Patna's only disco  shut down in 15 days !

And there is no place for the young to hang out.

Couples for some solace travel to Kumhrar, the ancient site of Patliputra, which now has just a few remnants and a garden.

It used to have the site where 80 pillars from the court of Chandragupta Maurya could be seen.

I took some guests there to show them this and when I got there they had covered it all up with mud.

At Kumhrar they keep breaking down new boundary walls to build newer walls - corruption.

As we left the Club it felt like someone had died.

The next film to be shown there - Saala Khadoos !

Bihar Prohibition (2) - Thou Shall Test Soap !

By Manuwant Choudhary

Nitish Kumar is so troubled..every time he goes to the bathroom he finds his soap missing. So he calls his chief secretary..(CS)

CM: yeh mera sabun gayab kyon ho jaaata hai...(why does my soap go missing everyday from the bathroom)

CS: Sir, its a problem everywhere sir.

CM: What do you mean?

CS: Everyone is eating soap these days.

CM: You mean to say I am also eating soap?

CS: No sir, how can I accuse you of such an illegal act..only people of Bihar commit illegal acts.

CM: Enough. I want a high level inquiry into the missing soap.

CS: Sir, a low-level inquiry is enough...rats have been eating your soap.

CM: Rats ! But there were no rats in the CM house when I returned as chief minister.

CS: Sir, that was because Jitan Ram Manjhi was chief minister before you.

CM: You mean Jitan Ram Manjhi ate up all the rats....

CS: Sir, I am such a junior officer to talk about food habits of chief ministers...but if you want to get rid of the rats again..you can try making Jitan Ram chief minister again...

CM: NEVER.

CS: Sir, but he is Mahadalit.

CM: Never. Don't mention his name again...besides I was asking you about soap not Manjhi...Now I prefer rats to Manjhi...

CS: yes sir rats are just like us... we are getting news that even people across Bihar are eating soap.

CM: But why?

CS: They get some kick.

CM: Is soap alcoholic?

CS: We don't know but they are made of chemicals surely.

CM: Call all of Bihar's scientists and I want all soap brands tested in our laboratory.

CS: Sir, Bihar does not have scientists...just castes !

CM: So get me the scientist caste?

CS: There are none...we are trying to figure out which caste Aryabhatta was?

CM: Do not waste my time...my senior officers are my scientists..they do everything I tell them to do...they drink when I tell them and stop drinking when I order so...so disciplined...my cops...

CS: But our labs are not equipped to test soaps.

CM: I am going to have them tested in my presence.

CS: But how?

CM: Surely, by eating it...

CS: My officers have been testing all day...Godrej, Pears..even MNC soap P & G....ahh camay tastes so good they say....and liril....the lemon flavour.....they say is beautiful like the girl who campaigns for it...

CM: Ban all MNC soap.

CS: Sir, we tested Baba Ramdev soap too...and our officers were so ecstatic..it has some Himalayan churn (herb) in it..now all our officers are saying Bharat Mata Ki Jai !

Bihar Prohibition 1 - `Thou Shall Eat Soap' !

By Manuwant Choudhary

I was at the Patna Super Market when I saw everyone just buying soaps.

Soaps were flying off the shelves faster than shooting stars.

Only one customer (on condition of anonymity) agreed to speak to me, he said he does not want to be hanged)

Me: So tell me why everyone is buying soap..is it do with some festival like Chhath where everyone has to be clean?

Customer: Shhh..shhhh....those men standing in safari suits are Nitish Kumar's men from the Excise department.

Me: But what has Excise department got to do with soap?

Customer: In a days time you will not find a single soap in Bihar?

Me: But why?

Customer: I am telling you I don't want to go to the gallows...ahh life is so beautiful.

Me: I am just asking you why you are buying soap and you are talking about death? Are you commiting suicide?

Customer: Never, never. I will never commit suicide. But I do support Rakhi Sawant when she says ban all ceiling fans.

Me: But I am not asking you about ceiling fans, I am asking you about soap.

Customer: Soap is an essential item.

Me: I agree..but why suddenly everyone is buying soap..earlier these Super Markets did not know how to sell their soap and now this windfall? Is it some advert you have watched?

Customer: No, no...we don't watch television or hear the radio...such absurd government ads are there about my son becoming a jharoo-walla.

Me: You mean like Kejriwal.

Customer: No, no, jharuwalla like who come to clean your home.

Me: You are changing the topic. I just want to know about soap.

Customer: Ahh soap is the best invention of man.

Me: Not really, man has invented so many wonderful things.

Customer: Nothing like soap....

Me: I am getting tired of your replies...now just tell me what this is all about.

Customer (In whispers): Since Nitish Kumar has banned the Booze Bars..we have moved to Bars of Soap !

(To be continued)

Justin Trudeau Is Sure You Won't Move To Canada

Holi & Holidays !

Like a riot of colours is so much better than the Gujarat riots.

Even Amit Shah with all the abeer looks less dangerous.

As for his boss Narendra Modi...on Holi he has become a twitter follower of Arvind Kejriwal.

I think Modi's favourite song is this Alisha number from the 90s...Made In India.



But despite everything India's economy isn't looking up.

And every day we hear of more new taxes...cigarettes become costlier by Rs.2/-.

Its like Narendrabhai Damodardas Taxwallah Modi.

The hard truth is Narendra Modi does not know how to govern.

Not that the Congress knows any better.

Yet, people did vote for Modi in the hope that he will deliver `Vikaas'. (Development)

Instead we are caught up in cows, temples & sedition.

I wonder why Modi and all our ministers just talk on twitter....all of India is not on twitter.

If talk and bhashan's could develop India then we would have been the most developed in the world.

Just when we seem to be getting down to work then we have another mass yoga session or some Guru holding his Sabha.

Do these Guru's have a kriya for work ?