Tuesday, August 19, 2008
EAT RATS SAYS BIHAR MINISTER
RATS FLEE BIHAR
By Manuwant Choudhary
A Big Rat from Bihar's Muzaffarpur district happened to watch the Bihar caste and tribal welfare minister Jitan Ram Manjhi's TV broadcast from under a sofa. The minister with popping greedy eyes tells the world how delicious rat meat is and if rats can be eaten in Thailand and France they must be eaten in Bihar, and why the entire world should eat rats.
The Bihar government plans a law to compel all restaurants to offer rats on their menu.
This to overcome the world food crisis and improve Bihar's socio-economic condition.
So a shocked Big Rat decides its time to leave his home state.
In Patna, he meets a Small Rat who lives in the Bihar chief minister's residence at 1 Anne Marg and the Thin Rat looks even more worried,
I am leaving Bihar he said, this morning I was still sleeping under the chief minister's bed when I heard the chief minister Nitish Kumar order his bearer `I want Rats for breakfast.'
The chief minister's cook came personally looking for me under the bed and I just managed to escape. I even heard the chief minister call up the police chief to arrest all rats in the state. He also called up his Janata Dal (U) president Lalan Singh to make a large benami house for rats. "Rats are Big Business".
Like him rats from other parts are also fleeing and the Patna railway station suddenly has more rats than train passengers.
Rats always prefer the train journey, even normally when they want to go to Delhi.
But this is a major crisis.
And India's railway minister Laloo Prasad Yadav calls this a conspiracy against the railways by his political opponents.
Rats were never charged a paisa for their travels but now he may have to introduce special trains since most rats are going to Punjab, which is India's biggest grain grower.
Free special trains could turn the railways into a loss-making body like all government organisations, and Laloo may never get to be PM.
Laloo has even called top railway officials who offer him a solution.
"Sir, we can run special trains both ways since many of Bihar's labourers want to return to Bihar after hearing the governments plans and want to catch rats rather than work on the fields in Punjab."
At the railway station rats are confused and desperate. They do not even know which train to catch, where to go.
As a superfast Rajdhani halts at the station rats hurry to get onto the superfast train.
Small Rat, "Hey, lets not take this train. Its going to Guwahati. The Ulfa will kill us because we are Bihari Rats."
Then came another train, this time to Gujarat.
Old Rat, "Lets get on. Hurry. I can see even Bihar cops are using their guns to kill us. Even Narendra Modi's Gujarat is safer."
Father Rat, "No, no you remember the other big crisis we faced. It happend in Gujarat - the Surat plague. These men they not only killed us in Gujarat but all over India. I know in Bihar even guinea pigs were not spared. Men are men, we only carried the flea that caused the plague. But they killed us like Hitler killed the Jews."
Vegetarian Rat, "I eat only grains. Why do humans want to eat us? Do we eat humans? I know occasionally some of us do nibble the toes of dead humans thrown on the banks of the Ganga but not otherwise. I think Gujarat should be safe. All restaurants are pure vegetarian there, even Muslim restuarants."
Secular Rat, "You fool. Never trust the Hindus. They do not eat meat at home or at restaurants. They eat on the streets. Why do we have so many egg-sellers on India's roads? Hindus just pop an egg every night at the street corner before reaching home for a pure vegetarian dinner. Besides, Gujaratis are big eaters. Their most popular internet site is the one on food Burrp.com."
BJP Rat, "I am going to Delhi. I won't meet Prime Minister Manmohan Singh because I know in Italy they eat rats on Pizza's. I will meet our leader PM-in-waiting Lal Krishna Advani and tell him that Rats are afterall Hindus. We are Ganeshji's transport just as politcians use their ambassadors and Scorpios. Surely, our issue is greater than Amarnath where only a few acres of land is being denied. Besides, we did not expect this from a BJP-ruled state Bihar."
RJD Rat, "You will never learn. Politicians will do everything and anything to stay in power. Do you have a crore of rupees??"
Shiv Sena Rat, "I am going to Maharashtra. Jai Maharashtra! Jai Mumbai!! Jai Balasaheb!!! Jai Ganapati!!!! In Mumbai our lord Ganapati is revered so no one will harm us."
A Maharashtra-returned Rat, "Hey you. I lived there before but I had to flee after Balasaheb's nephew Raj attacked the Biharis. I lived in a Bihari home and they just came and burnt it down. I managed to escape so I'm not going there."
A rat who lived in Bihar's best hotel Maurya, "I saw the chef this morning. He has already caught a few rats and he was sitting on the internet looking for rat recipes. He still does not know how to cook us. But I left seconds before he decided he wants to try. The chef at Maurya does not depend of government menus."
Global Rat, "I was there when they held the Global Meet and President APJ Kalam was here. They did not serve him rats. Yet, many wanted to invest in Bihar. Rats also must contribute for Bihar's development. After all its our home too. But I know investors did not come for other reasons not because rats were not served. NDTV said investors did not come to Bihar because of a global slowdown."
A Rat who is a friend of film-maker Prakash Jha, "I am going to call up Prakash Jha and ask him to speak to the chief minister his friend. After all Prakash Jha has made huge investments in the state which is enough to solve Bihar's economic problem."
A Rat who lives at Regent cinema, near Gandhi Maidan, "I know Prakash Jha. He just wants money. And if nothing happens he will make a film on rats fleeing Bihar and make more money, just like Gangajal. Didn't you see Bihari's blinding each other after watching the film."
Tribal Rat, "I am going to Jharkhand. Tribals are safe there."
Another Tribal Rat, "Not anymore. Its not Jharkhand, but Lootkhand. You see even Madhu Koda the chief minister is not safe. Besides, naxals are a big problem there. They put mines in the land. And poor agriculture. We will die of starvation."
A Rat in a three-piece-suit, "I want to go abroad. This country is not livable anymore. I want to fly Kingfisher airline to London but the Indian government does not allow it to fly to London. Will they name an airline after us if they eat us? Lucky Fish."
A dhoti-rat, "Stupid. Kingfisher is a bird that eats the fish. Its not a fish. UK immigration officials will never give you asylum if you can't understand even basic English. I think I'll go to Iraq."
The suited Rat, "Iraq!!! Never. They will find you like they found Saddam Hussein from a hole. Besides, Indians are close to the Iraqi's."
"What about Pakistan? Its safe for rats. Just as it is safe for Osama Bin Laden. Only thing is don't ever aspire to be their President or Prime Minister. They may exile you to Saudi Arabia.!"
Nationalist Rat, "Dont you see what happened to the Muslims who went to Pakistan from India. They are called Biharis. They do not have equal rights even now."
Democratic Rat, "You are all fools. You know why the Bihar government has made the announcement. They want votes of the Musahars who traditionally ate us. So let us call a press conference and announce our own political party."
Liberal Rat, "He-he-he...only if you swear to protect a socialist Indian constitution will you be allowed to start your party. That minister who announced the Rat-eating Bill is a socialist so how can we protect such stupid ideology of extreme equality."
"Heard what he said if chicken can be eaten, so can rats."
A common Rat, "All this is being done for votes of the Musahar's. Even we should demand voting rights."
A communist Rat, "If its about equality I would prefer living in China. Didn't you watch the Olympics. Even I could win 11 Gold medals on my own in the `Rat-Race'.
Child Rat, "He-he. You are a black rat. Didn't you watch the Olympic opening ceremony. The Communist politburo decided a pretty girl in red dress lip-sing a song because the orginal singer was not `pretty enough'. Only white rats will be allowed to run the race. Beijing now wants to show itself to the world."
God-fearing Rat, "The only place safe for us a temple in Rajasthan where they even feed us milk. But its so full already and so many Hindus go there to pray. Its getting difficult for them to avoid stepping onto us."
A Rat who talks to George Bush everyday, "I am going to the US but I told George that he must relax the terror laws. We don't have fingers so how can they allow us without fingerprinting?"
A Rat on his laptop, "See some good news on CNN. They have a poll here. It says what would you rather eat if you were forced to?
A. Dog -
B. Lizard -
C. Rat -
Of the 18,687 votes 32 per cent would eat dogs, 58 per cent lizard and only 10 per cent Rat.
A Animal Rights Rat, "These news channels have been taken over by a Rat-Eating Big Corporations so they are even telecasting our plight. We must talk to Animal Planet and call an end to all war amongst us and demand our own country"
But where should we live till then?
A Rat from Gaya, "I am going to Dharamshala to meet the Dalai Lama and hope his wisdom spreads. I saw him once appeal to his fellow Tibetans how they must not eat chicken and meat. Why we rats suffer just as much as ordinary Biharis'. Every year waters from Nepal flood our homes and governments do nothing."