Sunday, January 2, 2011

CBI - Confused Bureau of Investigations

By Manuwant Choudhary

Since New Delhi journalists do little to unravel the Aarushi-Hemraj double murder case I decided to visit the CBI headquarters to find out why even the CBI has decided to close the case:

Manuwant to CBI woman officer: Madam, what is on your forehead..have you been threatened by the Shiv Sena to wear some Hindu tika that looks like a question mark.

CBI lady officer: No, no, no, even our men officers wear it.

Me: But why men madama. Men don't wear tika.

CBI lady officer: Not outside but in CBI men also have to wear the same uniform.

Me: But it doesn't look nice. It looks kind of dangerous like those `snake' tikas worn in saas-bahu serials on Star Plus.

CBI lady officer: I like the `snake' tika also but this one is compulsory to us.

Me: But your tika looks like a question mark ?

CBI lady officer: Exactly, it is a question mark.

Me: But why?

CBI lady officer: See, because you are asking us too many questions.

Me: Ya, but thats because we want to know.

CBI lady officers: In a single day we have to handle a billion questions. Is it possible for us to answer all of them?

Me: Not answer but you have to solve some questions at least. Thats why you are CBI.

Lady CBI officer: I don't have so much time.

Me; Why?

Lady CBI officer: Even as you speak hundreds of government Babu's rob this country and ultimately its the CBI which is asked to find out who.

Me: But everyone knows the Babu-politcian who does it.

CBI Lady Officer: For you its easy to say, but we must have conclusive proof. After all every corrupt citizen in India is also `respectable'.

Me: Ok, ok, but I've come here to find about the Aarushi-Hemraj double murder case.

CBI lady officer: Its too complicated.

Me: But tell me if the door was locked and Mrs. Nupur Talwar threw the keys for the maid from the terrace, it means the door can be opened from the outside using a duplicate key.

CBI: Our report says no outside person was involved.

Me: But Dr. Rajesh Talwar - the dentist - says he was asleep when it all happened.

CBI: yes, yes he could not hear the victims being attacked because he had his airconditioner on.

Me: What make is Dr. Talwar's AC.? Actually, I like one's that make the loudest noise. It keeps the `static' out just like Bose earphones.

CBI: Its made by some local engineer who has 60 years experience in loud ACs, to cut out all traffic (murder) noise. We have some of them at CBI headquarters also.

Me: Tell me what about the Golf stick? I saw on India TV all anchors and guests all had a golf stick in hand as they explained how to swing for a kill. There was even a private detective who has enough cases where golf sticks have been used to murder.

CBI: Yes, thats in our report that the victims could have been assaulted by the golf stick. The Talwars hid their golf stick from us for one year.

Me: But surely if victims are assaulted by golf sticks surely someone will hear them in the house.

CBI: We are not sleep specialists.

Me: But you have also mentioned in your report that the Talwars tried to fudge the evidence, circumstantial and even post-mortem report, so have you not charged them?

CBI: Again don't ask such questions. The case is closed.

Me: But why did you close it?

CBI: We have closed it in national interest.

Me: National interest in murder? Can't be.

CBI: WE have closed so many cases before so why you worried about this one. Did we ever solve the killing of Lalit Narain Mishra, India's railway minister, killed in broad-daylight on a railway platform in Bihar.

Me: But you made that huge effort to solve the Shilpi Jain-Gautam double murder.

CBI: No, no, we made huge efforts to not to collect Sadhu Yadav's blood sample.

Me: But why you do this?

CBI: Because Soniaji told us that Sadhu Yadav's blood is for the Congress Party only and asked us to fast-track all cases.
The only way to do that is by closing it all.

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