Urea Gayab !

For my wheat crop I wanted to purchase two 50 kilo bags of urea and here is my experience as I went looking... Shop 1: You don't know there is acute urea shortage in Bihar? Me: I heard that but maybe you would have some old stock. I need only two bags. Shop 1: Sorry. Shop 2: I do have two bags but I can give you only if you buy 500 kilos of calcium from me. Me: But my crop does not require calcium, it needs urea to grow? Shop3: Why do you want to spend money on chemical fertilizer. Modiji wants every farmer to switch to zero farming! Me: But zero farming will bring zero yield. There is not enough manure to fertilize all of India. Shop 4: Wait for two more days. Baba Ramdev has promised to supply Gaumutra Urea! All you need is to spray them on the crop! Me: But it has rained now so I need to get urea now. Shop 5: The only place you might find urea is in Gorakhpur but you have to be a voter of UP to get a bag! Me: But I did read the Bihar agriculture minister Shri Amrendra Pratap Singh say there is no shortage of urea in Bihar Shop 6: Shortage is not there... The urea is in the train racks... and they have all been parked in Gorakhpur. wahan chunaav jo hai. Shop 7: Okay if you buy 1000 kilos of zinc I will give you the urea. Me: But I just want urea. Just then someone from a corn field called me. Him: If you buy 500 bottles of Vodka then I will give you the urea for free. Me: But isn't alcohol banned in Bihar? Him: Yes it is banned but it is available. And urea is not banned but it is unavailable. Me: So does the government need to ban urea to make it available? Him: Haan kuch aisa hee chal raha hai aajkal. Shop 8: If you are willing to get beaten up with a lathi then you might get a bag in Supaul. Me: Lathi does not sound like a good idea and even there the queue is like 10 kms.... I don't know how far I must have wandered.. Shop 9: Ah you want urea... Me: Yes. yes. please. Shop 9: We can give you urea even without aadhar card but for that you will have to buy Bharat Petroleum Corporation Limited. I had reached the Prime Ministers Office.. but sadly I am not Anil Agarwal!

Tip Tip Barsa Paani!

Like I am certain the guy who composed this song Tip Tip Barsa paani must be having a more ordinary bathroom than Rihanna. The lyrics like paani se aag is like he must be having a really bad shower mixer. It's a bathroom number. And even Katrina kaif does not make the song warm enough. When actresses begin doing such numbers with Akshay Kumar, then it's better they get married. And I can totally understand Salman Khan being bitten thrice by a snake! Last two days we have been having winter rains with some hail as well, chilly winds. Now I wonder what the Tip tip barsa paani composer would have written.

Tongue Cleaner From Kerala!

The beautiful Tibetan vlogger Ten Choezom says the best tongue cleaners in the world are from Kerala. And I believe her. After all Kerala is God's Own Country. Indians love cleaning their tongue even if they don't use the Colgate brush and paste. Even at railway stations you will see people lining up in front of taps to clean their tongues. Of course, the neem twig is the best to beat the bacteria. As you chew the twig it becomes as good as a Colgate brush and the neem juice acts like the paste... it's so bitter even viruses would get extinguished. Although I am not sure of its impact on Corona. The Indian government Aayush Mantralaya is silent on it. But coming back to the tongue cleaners. It's like V shaped and you have to take it right into your mouth and scrape it till all the germs are clear. But be careful... If you put it right inside throat you could throw up. I have never been to Kerala. So procuring the tongue cleaner is a bit of a pain. And the only person I know there is Shri Babu Joseph. So I have asked him to send me one ASAP. I have to gift it to Modiji. The Kerala 😜 cleaner is all he needs....

Ban Alcohol Worldwide!

I don't know why but I woke up after this longish dream where I was so powerful that I was banning alcohol not just in Bihar but all over India and why all even a worldwide ban. But would I ban her or him? In Hindi every word is a he or she, masculine or feminine. This has always confused me and I spent all night trying to figure that one out. Until finally I remembered seeing alcohol being stored in the female lockup of the local police station. The men's lockup had eighteen year old bootleggers and suppliers. So alcohol must be definitely a She! Then the other confusion over whether wine is alcohol or not? Shiv Sena's Sanjay Raut says wine is a fruit juice made from grapes and so it is now readily available in Mumbai supermarkets. So can I just buy wine and fly into Bihar? Or would I be arrested? No. no it's best to ban all alcohol instead of tempting biharis and Gujaratis and manipuris in some supermarkets. It was a horrid dream. I have never felt this way before but I cannot say why I felt this way. As I awoke I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked every bit like Nitish Kumar! Unshaven. I had run out of my seven blade Gillette razor and I am not a believer in digital India online shopping. So I found a Rs. 70 single blade Gillette razor in my town. I shaved. And now I am ready to end prohibition in Bihar.

The Brinjal Budget!

The only line I could hear finance minister Nirmala Sitharaman say loud and clear is that Modiji told her No New Taxes! Aah what a relief! But alas we are the onion eating janata and so we have to pay Rs.50 per kilo for onions. Rs. 200 for edible oil. Rs. 100 for petrol and diesel. Rs.

1000 for cooking gas. And cement is like Rs. 450, up by Rs. 100 per bag. Iron is up by Rs. 30 kilo. Sand is Rs 60 per tin, up by Rs.30. Urea and DAP the fertlisers are up by a few hundred but unavailable even at higher rates. The economy is ground to a halt. Because this Modi government thinks oil is milk. BBC Hindi carried a radio report on what the budget had for farmers. Interesting listening to voices from Uttar Pradesh, the state going to the polls. And it concluded the budget had nothing for the farmers. The Prime Minister gives Rs 6000 per year as kisan Sammlan. It's virtually nothing to the individual farmer but it's a huge drain on the exchequer...thousands of crores of our money... so that Modiji can win the election. But for farmers the lockdown years have been tough at best. Like I sell brinjals for Rs 10 per kilo in the local Mandi. And because Indians stand with farmers they buy brinjals from Big Basket for Rs. 115 per kilo. There is no Hindi word for a budget. At best it is aaye vyay ka lekha jokha. For farmers it's just baigun ka chokhha!