Biggest Leak: In Coversation with Julian Assange & Osama Bin Laden

By Manwant Choudhary

UNDISCLOSED CAVE IN SWEDEN:

knock knock knock knock...

Julian Assange: Who is there?

Stranger: Its me Osama?

Julian: Who Obama..you mean you come with interpol to arrest me?

Stranger: Just open the cave door..its me Osama Bin Laden!

Julian: Ah, its you only..I am not scared of you..come in come in.

Osama: Glad to meet you.

Julian: How come? You've come all the way from your cave in Pakistan just to see me. You've taken such a great risk. President Obama wants you dead.

Osama: Actually I have not taken such a huge risk. I don't live in Pakistan or Afghanistan. I live very much in Sweden...my cave is just next door.

Julian: So what brings you here?

Osama: Actually I am jealous. You know I put in such a huge effort to dash all those planes into the World Trade Centre to become the worlds most wanted man and now you replace me with just a few `leaks'. I really want to understand your trade secret.

Julian: You mean you want me to leak it.

Osama: Yes, yes...

Julian: I only leak things on the WikiLeaks..not in some cave like this...

Osama: I've been trying to get across on WikiLeaks but the site is blocked...like a caves rock door.

Julain: By whom?

Osama: Amazon.

Julian: Really, I did not know.

Osama: Actually, the one thing I love about America is their freedom of speech.

Julian: Me 2.

Osama: You can burn an American flag and they won't send you to jail.

Julian: Thats why I left Australia to settle in the Unites States of America.

Osama: But now you have become the worlds most wanted man..

Julian: Yes, but I don't know why?

Osama: I saw that retired General ..whats his name..the guy who sided with Bush...yes. yes..General Musharraf..he was on TV and he said that even if Osama is killed..Al Qaeda will flourish. I think thats why now the western powers don't want to kill me anymore. They wasted all those bombs in Afghanistan.

Julian: Ok Osama, don't waste my time..I only talk to those who leak. Do you leak?

Osama: yes i do...didn't you see all those unedited videos of me. yes but I leak only on Al Jazeera TV.

Julian: But why?

Osama: I felt the Arabs world must unite to take on the infidels. But how wrong I was. Even I am shocked that Arab countries hate Iran more than they hate America. And after your leaks the Afghans and Pakistanis have become like `Buddies'.

Julian: yes, yes..but i love America and Americans love me....its only their President who hates me.

Osama: But why?

Julian: Obama says I have endangered American lives. Bush and Obama are responsible for more Americans being killed than all other American Presidents.

Osama: Actually, you are right. I haven't hurt a fly!

Julian: And see they have forgotten about you and they calling me a terrorist.

Osama: Who is this? (pointing to me)

Julian: Ahh he's Manuwant Choudhary..my journalist freind from India. He is here because only he knows how to write articles. WikiLeaks reporters only know how to scan and photocopy documents and paste them on the internet.

Osama: I want to ask him something?

Me: Yes, please do.

Osama: My suicide bomber was on that Bandra-Worli Sea-link on the day President Obama was to visit Bombay. Why did he fail in his mission?

Me: Actually, he was caught on CCTV and although the police could not find out who he was, Nandan Nilekani found his number! You know now everyone of Indian 1.1 billion people have a number. For the Prime Minister Prime Minister the number is fixed 420.

Osama: Can you tell me how dangerous this Nilekani is?

Me: He is very dangerous. You can find his name on WikiLeaks also....after India he plans to give a number to all Pakistanis and all Afghans. So the world will know which number was responsible for which terror act. You see had we not been given numbers the French President Nikolas Sarkozy would have never said India's 1.1 billion people deserve to be permanently represented at the United Nations Security Council.

Osama: No, no, no...these french they only know how to uncover the burqa..they are supplying nuclear material to India and then they gang up against Iran. Actually, I support Julian because he believes in Leak. Like the Chinese leaked the nuclear secrets to Pakistan and Pakistan leaked it to Iran..and Iran leaked it to North Korea....and soon the entire world will have nuclear bombs...I am a socialist. Actually, Carla Bruni should have been President of the Congress Party. I want to ask Julian how and where he got this idea about leaks?

Julian: There is this palace in London that has a painting on its ceiling and when you look up you can see a naked child..look closer and you see the child is urinating...a guide will tell you to follow the urine and as your face criscrosses the entire ceiling you see the urine fall in a man's mouth! It was Eureka? I love politicians who leak. Do you have an Indian politician hwo does not leak?

Me: We had a Prime Minister called Morarji Desai..he leaked but he drank his own leak..and the Gorkha's from Darjeeling hated him because he said Never to Gorkhaland...

Julian; I love India. My own Australian Prime Minister has betrayed me....will India give me asylum?

Me: I might think they would...just as they did to the Dalai Lama..India is a free country..even our people love to leak...they leak all over the public walls..they don't care whose photograph they're leaking on - politicians and gods - treat them all the same.

Julian: I may be arrested any moment.

Osama: Actually even I want to be arrested. These caves are getting too cold..Its snowing...I want to live at Guantanamo Bay...aah the sun and sand...

Julian: But the Americans don't want to arrest you.

Obama: But why are they arresting you?

Julian: because they don't know the difference between a leak and sex. I only had consensual sex with two girls and now the interpol is after me...