Mon-key Baat !

Photo: Manuwant Choudhary

By Manuwant Choudhary

The wall in Ahmedabad is what everyone is talking about but I am more concerned about the walls in Agra !

I think Donald Trump will spend more time in Agra admiring the Taj Mahal built by Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan and perhaps a photo with his lady love Melania.

And to make their visit truly special all Agra residents have been asked to white-wash their walls.

But there is a problem - Monkeys - they sit on the walls and shit on them as well.

Some residents have had to white-wash their walls several times already and they are worried because the monkeys refuse to go away and have even begun speaking like humans.

Monkey Amar: Did you watch the video Trump posted of himself as Bahubali?

Monkey Akbar: Yes. Quite impressive...Do you think he will fly to kashmir and release Omar Abdullah and Mehbooba Mufti?

Monkey Anthony: No no...this Bahubali is only interested in trade...and in hugging Modi...don't expect much.

Monkey Amar: Why? He is so powerful...look at how he talks and walks ...

Monkey Akbar: He says he is more powerful than Modiji.

Monkey Anthony: No no...but he cannot be most powerful because most powerful is Lord Hanuman !

Monkey Amar: Yes, yes..did you see how Arvind Kejriwal just recited the Hanuman Chalisa once and he won the Delhi elections..nearly all seats...even more powerful than Modiji ...

Monkey Akbar: But isn't Melania going to some happiness school built by some terrorist?

Monkey Anthony: Yes yes and why should terrorists be invited to meet Melania and explain happiness..thats why Modiji has struck their names off from the guest list.

Monkey Amar: Bahubali Trump does not like terrorists.....

Monkey Akbar: So you mean he won't go to Shaheen Bagh in Delhi?

Monkey Anthony: Shaheen Bagh? Why should he go there? Is it some Mughal garden??

Monkey Amar : I am more interested in where he stays and what he eats?

Monkey Akbar: He will only eat Dhoklas..because beef is banned in India and he is staying at the 4600 square feet Chanakya Suite in ITC Maurya Hotel...

Monkey Anthony: Who is this Chanakya?

Monkey Akbar: He is some Brahmin who overthrew some ancient government.

Monkey Amar: Yes, yes, the corrupt and most powerful Nandas...but what do governments today call such a person?

Monkey Anthony: Terrorist !

Lift Kara Do !

Photo: Manuwant Choudhary

By Manuwant Choudhary

When BJP leaders wish every Indian Muslim be sent to Pakistan, I am rather surprised why this government gave Indian citizenship to a Pakistani Muslim - Adnan Sami, the singer.

Rather quite easily.

On May 26 2015 when his Pakistani passport expired and Pakistan did not renew it he applied to the Indian Home Ministry and by December his application was processed and he became an indian citizen effectively from January 1 2016.

Long before the Indian government came up with the Citizenship Ammendment Bill to grant citizenship to all religions except Muslims from Pakistan, Bangladesh and Afghanistan.

So now even a direct descendant of Frontier Gandhi Khan Abdul Ghaffar Khan may not get Indian citizenship !

Stranger is the fact that Adnan's father Arshad Sami Khan was a Pakistani war hero - a fighter pilot who bombed Indian locations in the 1965 war and was later the Aide-de-camp for 3 Pakistani Presidents.

And while Indian Muslim women are on the streets protesting for two months in the winter chill, Adnan has been given a national award - the Padma Shri !

Lift Kara Diya.



But a deserving star also born in Pakistan Dilip Kumar has as yet not been awarded the Bharat Ratna (although he has got the highest Pakistani citizen award - Nishan-e-Imtiaz) .

But at partition Dilip Kumar chose to stay in India and the only reason why the Indian government has still not recognised his contribution is because he champions India's Secularism !

Not just him there are countless Indians whose work remains unrecognised by their own government.

But for the ordinary Indian an award at a glittering Rahstrapati Bhawan is not even on their minds.

Now we have to prove we are Indians.

But I really wonder if it is our politicians who should be proving their citizenship.

Forget awards, for us Indians our lives would be bettered simply by a lift.

The other day I had do go to a government office on the fifth floor. I noticed a nice new lift and the lights were blinking.

Delighted I called for the lift.

But no it wasn't working. The sign blinked "Lift Out Of Service". 

I asked the guard what was wrong, "Sir, the company installed the lift but the government did not pay them so the company has stopped its operation !"

Mujhe Bhee Lift Kara Do.

Crooked Cops

By Manuwant Choudhary

On this Hawa Gaaree I took for the first time I saw a traffic policeman pay for his ride and more for his fathers too.

Most cops ride across the city for free.

I asked the gareewallah Shyamji if he had ever been paid before by a cop.

He replied, "Rarely. This cop is a new recruit so he paid..also his father was with him.."

He then went on to narrate the ordeals they face on the road.

"Once I had just parked my vehicle when a dozen cops called me and asked me to get some tea for them..."

I was about to bring them the tea when one of them shouted..."Samosa bhee laana".

So I got them both.

As I brought them the snack and tea..another shouted..."Rasmalai bhee laana."

Even that I fetched for them.

Then when I asked them for the money they replied in unision, "Paise tuu dega."

I said, "Why should I give? Do I keep your money or do i get a share in your earnings?"

They took me to their boss.

I told him the same thing and loudly so the public could hear.

The Boss said, "Isko jaldee bhagao.."

Now they don't trouble me on the roads.

Except once they insisted I show them a pollution certificate.

I told them first you show me the pollution.

They could not because I drive an electric vehicle !

Denim Shopping !

By Manuwant Choudhary

If there is a right time to wear Denims its now..when winter is still not over...and summer is far away.

But its the one item I don't have.

And where I live there are not too many options.

There is a single a tiny Tommy Hilfiger outlet at Central Mall, several Levis show rooms and a few other Indian brands.

I did like the Tommy Hilfiger jacket. Its material was soft and wearable but the price is around Rs.8000 so beyond my budget.

Then there is the Levis brand but the jackets are all of a lighter shade and the material too rough.

Plus I don't like the stitch or the fit.

So one day I noticed a jacket at the Allen Solly store.

It was the right deep blue I was looking for.

Plus it had a stylish high neck I hadn't seen before.

So I walked in the store to inquire.

I asked the salesman about the jeans only to be told, "Sirji yeh aapke liye nahin hai."
(Sir, this is not for you..)

Me: Then who is it for?

Salesperson: Aapke liye to nahin hee hai...

Me: Tab kiske liye hai...

Salesperson: It is for the young.

Me: But I am young..

Salesperson: Nahin aap to uncle hain...

Me: Nahin main uncle nahin hoon, I can wear denim jackets...

Salesperson: Leave it. Ok how old are you?

Me: 22 !

Salesperson: Ok now you can try it. (The owner shouting that I be given the Large one)

I did try the jacket and it did fit perfectly...

Salesman: (Smiling) Sir aap par to acchhaa dikhta hai...(It looks good on you)

Me: Price kitna hai?

Salesman: Rs.4,500 only.

But ultimately I did not buy it...I was sure it looked good on me but I wasn't sure if the salesman believed I was 22 !

Credit Card Par Paani Puree Doge !

By Manuwant Choudhary

The secret why Patna girls are slim and trim is because they survive on Paani Puree !

For ten or twenty rupees they get five depending on where they buy it from.

But yesterday I heard this young girl, "Credit card par Paani Puree Doge?"

In these hard times even street food is on credit.

But for students living in hostels on a budget money is always scarce so for many Paanee Puree is their only food.

I fully empathise with JNU students protesting the hike in hostel and college fees.

For those living away from home a glass of milk is a luxury !

Like at my street corner a Nepali sells some delicious momos and noodles. Cost Rs.60 for chicken momos and Rs. 50 for a plate of noodles.

Boys hang around his stall gossiping about cricket..the Nepali momo seller only interested in whether his client has won a cricketing bet so he can recover his momo credit !

The coaching centres are bustling and Rahul Gandhi is right when he says the young want jobs.

I too wonder what the future holds for the young in an India with no jobs?

A student in a rickshaw took out her cellphone and I realised in Modis India their dreams are as shattered as their cellphones !

The bazaars are all lit up but business is down..a gentleman asked me when things will improve...I said I don't know.

And finally in BJP ruled Bihar in order to welcome Corona Virus the municipal workers have gone on an indefinite strike.

The Notary !

By Manuwant Choudhary

One of the best legal invention is a Notary.

For a fee and an affirmation of oath an affidavit is made signed by a magistrate and it solves a host of problems.

But not anymore...Modi has created his own network of private sector bureaucrats issuing new forms every day.

Yet the Notary is a respectable man ....he sits generally out in the open even in the winter chill with just a desk and a chair.

The one I go to in Patna is an expert...at his job for decades...but even when you enter the collectorate you have dozens of lawyers shouting if you want an affidavit.

They can recognize their clients from a distance and not necessarily by their clothes.

On a winter morning I sat with one having a cup of tea. The notary is a big man now..he has an assistant...a girl...

As I sat I notice a Muslim gentleman approach him...and they spoke at length...he had some documents ...a constitution...of a new political party he wanted to set up...some Lok Samata Jan Kalyan Party !

All the right words.

I happened to browse over the document and it spoke of Gandhi, Nehru, Jai Prakash Narayan, Lohia, Karpoori....

The Notary told him he would even agree to go to New Delhi to meet the Chief Election Commissioner to get the Party registered...

But I noticed while the gentleman was dead serious about his party..his mind wandered...

He asked the Notary, "Kya aap Swarg Jaane Ka affidavit bana sakte hain?" (Can you make an affidavit to go to heaven too?)

Before the Notary could reply his assistant chipped in..."Lekin Sir, aap to Musalmaan hain to swarg kaise jaiyega? (You are Muslim so how can you go to Swarg?)

The Muslim, "Can't Muslims go to Swarg?"

The girl, "No".

The Muslim, "Acchaa Jannat to jaa sakte hain naa...Swarg aur jannat kya alag jagah hain?"

The Notary a wise man closed the debate, "Swarg ka bhee affidavit yahan banta hai.."

The Muslim backing off...."Jo log sochte bhee hain Swarg jaane ka..wo wahan nahin jaate hain...Sochna bhee gunah hai.." (Those who even think of going to heaven dont go there...even thinking about it is sinful..)

Delhi Voters To Send Rinkiya Ke Papa To Poorvanchal !