Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Paperless PMO !


By Manuwant Choudhary

I wish the Prime Minister's Office looks like this...and not `Paperless' as Mr. Pulok Chatterjee, principal secretary to the Prime Minister, plans to do.

A senior journalist in Patna told me how difficult it has become for journalists to get anything out of the Bihar government after computerisation.

Before all you needed to do was take a clerk for some `chai' and paan and he would drop a highly confidential document on the streets.

But now the clerks can't help journalists as all they know is how to dust the computers !

And dust there is - a thick coat - as most `Babu's' still dont know how to operate a computer.

For this more jobs are created ..they are called `computer operators'.

With a `Paperfull' office its so easy to get a 2G note out or what Chidambaram wrote but now Mr. Pulok Chaterjee insists even cabinet notings must come in electronic form and through him.

And Pranab da, India's finance minister, wants to get out of the sticky situation saying its the cabinet secretary who asked him to mention all those bad things about Chidambaram.

And after all this the Delhi High Court gives an entire file to that fellow Subramaniam Swamy.

God what has this country come to.

Official Secrecy?

In Bihar the chief minister takes his chopper to remote Bagaha to begin his `Seva Yatra'.

A journalist said this time his District Magistrates do not know which school or hospital he may visit.

And the cabinet approves the chief minister be brought under the Lok Ayukta....but there will be no single Lok Ayukta, rather is will be a commitee.

I remember once at the Bihar Public Service Commission we covered a controversy where two persons both had offices with the nameplates saying they were chairman, BPSC.

Democratisation is not always a good thing.

Take this case for example - a doctor commits suicide in Siwan.

The reason being he took a loan from a bank of Rs. 8 lakh - not to go abroad for higher studies - but to bribe a Bihar minister so that he becomes a Civil surgeon.

But as things happened..the health secretary disagreed with the minister and delayed the file and instead sent it to the chief minister.

The final list had different names, not the ones selected by the minister.

Hence, the doctor killed himself.

And always be suspicious of bureaucrats who become Rajya Sabha MPs.

Like Nitish Kumar nominated RCP Sinha as his MP after the UP cadre officer took premature reirement from his service.

RCP was principal secretary to Nitish Kumar.

One internet report says he was exactly what R.K. Dhawan was to Mrs. Indira Gandhi.

Thats perhaps the politest way to put things...without attracting a defamation suit.

But even `honest' politicians thrive on the Department of Transfers & Postings.

And its worth crores.

Government officials willing to buy their positions and place of posting.

If you dont pay, the husband will find himself working 300 kms away from his wife !

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Occupy !


By Manuwant Choudhary

My editor commissioned me to visit USA to get the inside story on the Occupy Movement and so here I am at the Wall Street....

Me squatting with an Occupier: Hello, I am a junior reporter from India and I would like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind.

Occupier 1: Shoot.

Me: Can you tell me the inspiration behind the Occupy movement...like is it China because they occupy Tibet or is it India and Pakistan because they Occupy Jammu & Kashmir?

Occupier: No, no....we are not Occupier's like that....We are different kind...

Me: But how...at least you are leftist like the politicians in India and China.

Occupire: No, no...politicians in India and China love the Wall Street. the World Bank, the IMF...we hate em all.

Me: You mean China and India love Tibet and Kashmir so they occupy but you occupy only places you hate...

Occupier: Right..you are close but we are still different...

Me: Okay, okay who is your leader.

Occupier: Our Leader is a website!

Me: What how can a Leader be a website!

Occupier: yes, yes, thats why we all sit here with our ipads and iphones and Macs....

Me: And whats his name?

Occupier: Occupytogether.org

Me: You mean you do whatever they write on this website.

Occupier: yes.

me: But I here you sent some team to India to find out the places you hate most in India.

Occupier: yes, yes, we did and we found a lot. I was part of the team.

me: tell me like what...

Occupier: Like Indian trains are occupied to full capacity still they make a loss.

Me: And?

Occupier: Like the train toilets are forever occupied ...

Me: You mean they are in use...

Occupier: Used only sometimes, but mostly people without tickets travel in them.

Me: Did you actually see a toilet?

Occupier: I did and learnt a lot.

me: Like what..

Occupier: Like when the British occupied India they built the train system so that Indians could shit all over their country...they have holes in them..you can even check the train speed.

Me: I have not come all the way to talk about train toilets. My source tells me that you guys want to occupy the Indian parliament.

Occupier: Yeah, we thought we would do that..but the Indian parliament is already occupied !

Friday, November 4, 2011

No Prime Minister, Yes Madam !


By Manuwant Choudhary

Who is this man? Well, err, most would say don't know, not seen him but what if I say he is more powerful than our Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh....

He is Sonia Gandhi's man in the Prime Minister's Office.

Recently returned to India after a stint at the World Bank he is now the principal secretary to the Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh.

A sidey TV channel reporter a few days ago did his live reporting and this is exactly what he said and in excatly this order:

"Pulok Chatterjee will not be attending the G 20 Summit at Cannes in France as his daughter is getting married on November 6.....but Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will be attending."

Well, India's Prime Minister did attend the G 20 and returned after muttering useful nothings.

And most likely both Sonia Gandhi and Dr. Singh will be attending the wedding of the daughter of Pulok Chatterjee.

So who is this man?

Well, as the internet reports reveal he was handpicked by VP Singh to appoint him as an IAS in Amethi to look after Sanjay Gandhi's constituency.

After Sanjay's demise he continued working in Uttar Pradesh.

And was the District Magistrate in Rae Bareily from where Sonia Gandhi was first elected.

And served Sonia Gandhi as OSD when she was the leader of the opposition.

Now he replaces TKA Nair as principal secrtary and has issued strict orders that every file going to the PM must go through him.

Mr. Nair was also to be made Governor of Rajasthan but his appointment was reportely opposed by Mr. Chatterjee.

Wow !

Now 2 Gandhi Nehru servants in the PMO !

Its like Sonia Gandhi even tells the PM on which hand he must wave at public rallies!

Not Yes Prime Minister, but Jee Madam!!!

Monday, October 31, 2011

I Prefer This Anna


By Manuwant Choudhary

I went shopping looking for an `Anna' cap and instead this is what I found...

And I like this Anna....

She talks.

He is on `maun' vrata.

Her blood pressures are normal.

His are high.

She eats food.

He doesn't.

She drinks, even alcohol.

He doesn't drink and bans others also.

She does not stay at Ralegan Siddi.

He lives at Ralegan Siddi.

She wears jeans.

He wears a dhoti.

She loves the RSS (internet feed).

He constantly denies any links to RSS.

She reads and writes her blogs.

He has a ghost blogger.

She likes sex.

He is single.

She has better freinds than Kiran Bedi, Arvind Kejriwal and Prashant Bhushan.

He has them.

She doesn't have Digvijay Singh barking at her every day.

He has Digvijay Singh barking at him everyday.

She has no plan A, B, C.

He has plan A, B, C, and the Congress Party has Formula 1 - make Rahul PM.

Pr Formula 2 - Make Priyanka PM.

She loves the Taj Mahal and India.

He hasnt visited Agra.

She cares about Kashmir and its people.

He cares only about Kashmir.

For her. her home is her castle, no one can take that away from her.

For the Congress, the Government of India can.

And for him the Gram Swaraj can.

Corruption?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Private Sector Bribery Bill?


By Manuwant Choudhary

Did you see how serious India's Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh was at the CBI meet where he said he is going to bring a Private Sector Bribery Bill? For this he invited India's top bribery expert to the Prime Minister's Office...

PM: I am dead serious in bringing this Private Sector Bribery Bill in the winter session of parliament.

Bribery Expert: Sir, how can I help you?

PM: Well, first you have to tell me all the different kinds of bribery so that we can ban them.

Bribery Expert: Sir, before we start I have a query. Isn't bribery just bribery. What do you mean by Private Sector Bribery?

PM: No, no...already half my ministers are in Tihar jail...now we want only private sector bribery to stop.

Bribery Expert: What about public sector bribery?

PM: You mean oil companies?

Bribery Sector: Oil, fertliser, railways....all of them

PM: No, no all bills have exemptions so we will keep them exempted..after all they do national service.....and our job is to uplift the underprivileged.

Bribery Expert: Sir, okay lets begin but I have critical information about bribery by Ambani, Tata and Birla....

PM: Really? No, no they are all honest gentlemen.

Bribery Expert: Well, I followed their donations and they all bribe the Congress Party every election to get favours after....

PM: No, no no..you got it all wrong ..they just want to help Indian democracy and the Nehru Gandhi family remain in power...its not bribery..its social responsibility and that is tax exempt.

Bribery Expert: What about land? All of UP Mayawati is giving to those builders..should we go after them? Even that DLF fellow...DLF 1,2,3,4,5,6,...no land ceiling laws apply to them?

PM: I told you don't focus on government..the Bill is called Private Sector Bribery.

Bribery Expert: Sir, I don't think Rahul Baba understands anything when he writes to you that all kith and kin must declare their assets...you know even that Robert Vadra fellow will have to declare his assets and you know he is a private fellow..businessman you see..

PM: Just focus on them not us...your brief is clear.

Bribery Expert: Should we consult L K Advani see how he travels all over India on corruption....

PM: Do not go near him,,he wants only me in jail so that he can become PM.

Bribery Expert: Should we focus on BJP ruled states like Bihar where ministers build seven-storyed apartments?

PM: No, no..no...Lok Ayuktas are there for that..I just want you to draft this private sector bill.

Bribery Expert: Sir, do you know that Rs.400 crore was withdrawns from ATMs in poor Bihar on dhanteras?

PM: Really, but why?

Bribery expert: Its obvious...its bribery.

PM: You mean even on Diwali....

Bribery Expert: yes, sir..see all those gifts and flowers outside your house...we may just have to ban Diwali.

PM: Do not overstep your brief. Just focus.

Bribery Expert: Just tell me what you want?

PM: I want a bill against Arvind Kejriwal.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Kiran Bedi Upgraded!


By Manuwant Choudhary

This morning I was at the Indira Gandhi International Airport (Domestic) and I see Kiran Bedi arguing with the red girl at the ticketing counter...

Ticketing Girl: Maam here is your Economy Class Ticket to Bombay.

Kiran Bedi: You don't watch television?

Ticket Girl: Sorry, what? I don't get time to even sleep. These private airlines keep us working 24 hours. But I just offered you your ticket.

Kiran Bedi: How will corruption end if young girls don't watch the news.

Ticket Girl: I just want to sell you the ticket and am not interested in ending corruption. Otherwise I would have been a policewoman.

Kiran Bedi: No, I mean you should watch the news at least...and maybe leave strong messgaes in support of Anna on Facebook...the least you can do for the country.

Ticket Girl: Ya, I work very hard and pay my income tax...and don't steal or rob or bribe others.

Kiran Bedi: Its not enough you must be ready to go to Tihar jail to fight corruption.

Ticket Girl: I don't want to go to Tihar jail. Id rather visit Bangkok.

Kiran Bedi: Exactly, see what liberalisation has done to our youth.

Ticket Girl: Excuse me?

Kiran Bedi: Do you know how to wave the national flag?

Ticket Girl: Yah once in school I did that....

Kiran Bedi: Not in school. Have you waved the national flag for 11 full days?

Ticket Girl: No, why. And why would I do that?

Kiran Bedi: Exactly, you don't even know how to wave the national flag for 11 days.

Ticket Girl: I don't understand. I am just giving you your ticket and you are talking about the national flag.

Kiran Bedi: You airline people only know how to put on make-up and wear red short skirts and nothing else.

Ticket Girl: Maam we are here to only sell you the ticket. And here is your Economy Class ticket.

Kiran Bedi: Do you want to be on the front page of Indian Express?

Ticket Girl: No, maam, I don't read newspapers and I am not a sexy model..anyway even thats Page 3, not Page 1.

Kiran Bedi: Okay, let me explain very clearly. The minute I take this Economy Class Ticket from you we will be on national TV...500 channels in 44 Indian languages.

Ticket Girl: But Maam. I am only selling you a ticket.

Kiran Bedi: Your are so dumb. For 20 days now I have been on the news for travelling Economy Class !

Ticket Girl: But why?

Kiran Bedi: I don't know. I just saved some money by not flying Business Class because I wanted to visit poor Bihar.

Ticket Girl: So you were like Mahatma Gandhi who travelled third Class by train.

Kiran Bedi: Yes. And these journalists have got it all wrong. They say I am as corrupt as Kalmadi.

Ticket Girl: Oh I am so sorry our valued customer has to go through this but Maam will you take this Economy Class ticket.

Kiran Bedi: No. Even my trustees have said from now on I must not save money and travel Business Class instead.

Ticket Girl: But maam, what happened to the austerity drive?

Kiran Bedi: Austerity is only for Sashi Tharoor. See how he lost his job because he stayed in a 5 Star Hotel with his own money.

Ticket Girl: But I know maam you are not corrupt. You did not take even Re.1 from any truck driver all your life as an illustrious policewoman.

Kiran Bedi: No its not that. You have to be very carefull with accounts these days...and not be like housewives who steal their husbands money and say they spent it on Phenyl.

Ticket Girl: But I know maam every salaried person does all that...

Kiran Bedi: All that meaning.....? Everyone? You mean even the reporter who writes against me????

Ticket Girl: yes even the reporter, even i claim medical bills by submitting fake bills...you at least travel?

Kiran Bedi: You mean for all disesases, even those you don't have?

Ticket, Girl> yes, I have AIDS, Cancer, Tuberculosis and yet I am fit to work 24 hours!

Kiran Bedi: Hey just give me Business Class. At least I will sit cross-legged on those wide seats and close my eyes and meditate.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Pakistan - A Failed State Or A Rogue State


By Manuwant Choudhary

Ever since Osama Bin Laden was found living in Abbottabad and his arrest and execution (without Pakistan being informed), Pakistan is looking more like a Rogue State.

It has been a Failed State for a very long time but recent posturing by Gen Kayani warning the US against any unilateral air strikes in North Waziristan (where the terrorists could be holed up) and his reminder that Pakistan is a nuclear state, just indicates that Pakistan is of serious concern not just to the United States and India but to the world.

Pakistan's foreign minister Hina Rabbani is at odds with her beauty...she talks about `Sovereignty' but her dancing dark eyes are distrustful and nervous ..... she is not talking about Pakistan or her people but for the terror networks that exist on her soil.

The General says Pakistan will act on their own time and will, but the real question is will the terrorists also give the world enough time to foil their terror designs?

What we saw in Bombay and subsequent confessions with David Headley point towards just one thing that Pakistan is not just responsible for the terror networks but could be actively ordering the terror strikes as well.

Of course, I am no fan of the United States, its their billions that the Pakistani's have used to create such havens for terror.

But time may be running out and things are far from normal in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Hillary Clinton's last attempts to make the Pakistani's see sense may fail.